, , , , , , , ,

I have written and re written this post and I cant seem to get out what I am trying to say..Its very frustrating to have it all so clear in my head but being totally unable to write it down to make sense.  So here it is, not quite right but as good as I can get it at the moment…..

I wanted to acknowledge that I know I have made changes a lot in my life, that I constantly think of new things I could be doing or want to try but that sometimes they don’t work out.  The post title is an example, last year we brought a puppy, Nyla, I loved her to death and it was very hard for me to re-home her but if something doesn’t work out for me and my family then I can only change what that is and move on.  I like to try, I like to take a risk and see if it works out for me, if I am not happy in a job or it fails to meet my expectations Ill move on and find something else; because I believe life is to short to stay somewhere that makes you unhappy and miserable and only causes you to moan every time you have to go in.  I feel that at least I can say I tried that type of thing but it wasn’t for me, I will never have to think ‘what if I had tried that instead?’ I know the answer and can move on.

I constantly say I want to move away from the city that I want to move to the seaside. I do, this is not a lie, (I have even been so so close at one point) this is something I want more than anything for my family but I know deep down, that this is a goal, something I am going to have to work hard for if i want it, I cant just keep saying it and expecting it to happen over night.

There is another side to all of this though, a point I wanted to make; deep down for a long time I have been desperately unhappy with the way my life was.  When I started to feel like this I would look around for something that I could change, something that would be different, which would feel like I had made a positive step to improving things. House moves were the normal thing I think, when you move into a new home its a new start, everything seems great for a while.  When you move jobs or start a business everything changes again.  Always changing, always having a fresh start.  Thing is I can keep changing all the little things which gives me the brief sense that everything can be better from then on, but in all fairness there has always been one constant thing there, during each of the low periods and each of the changes; of course my drinking habits. Whether its going out and binge drinking with my friends or sitting at home with a bottle of wine, that has always been in the back ground.  So maybe, just maybe, over the last ten years I have been focusing on changing everything else when I feel low and despondent but ignoring the one large problem at the center of it all.

I know people think they know me and that this is just another whim of a decision.  One comment made about my blog ‘never do it, I know you too well’.  Well I am sorry but you don’t (and this is my own fault for allowing it to happen), you know the person I have let myself become, the person who acts like a fool because that is whats expected, the person who will drink too much too fast, the person who falls asleep before the end of the night, the person who will take the mick out of herself before anyone else has the chance so she doesn’t get upset and the person who has behind it all been too scared to say what she truly thinks about herself for too long.

I am on day 22 and have one red coloured square on my chart and I am expecting more bad days to come.  But for once in a long long time I do feel like I can think clearer, much clearer.  I believe that this year will bring me what I have been looking for; To find out what actually makes me happy, to find myself and hopefully to show my true potential.

I have been doing some research into my drinking habits and effects of these and I keep coming across these two words, words I have once laughed at when reading about it an a magazine article…

Functioning Alcoholic.

I am not laughing anymore.