So I thought I should add the last of my reasons for attempting the year from alcohol so I have it all down in black and white so I cant forget all the things that brought me to this decision. I have written down most of the factors which have contributed to me feeling like alcohol should be removed from my life (whether this is a permanent fixture or just for the year remains to be seen) but there is one last one which I would like to get down on paper..laptop. Its hard to explain but here it is as best as I can describe; I am frustrated because at the moment I am just the person I have become and I am not the person I wanted to be……..When I say this I mean I have become this person I am today due to many events which have happened in my life, many of which have been unavoidable some not so much but there we go, such is life. My confidence has been knocked at many points over the years and although people think I am outgoing and loud and always up for a good drink and a laugh, this isn’t normally how I am feeling, I get annoyed with myself even while I am acting this way. I do a lot of the things I do because its the norm now, because I think it is expected of me and because I don’t know how to shake that persona away.
There is part of me that is of course this but I think there’s more to me, a lot more and I think I have let drinking become a crutch to stop me facing what I do know really, that it is time for me to grow up………
The sad fact is I don’t really dress the way I would like to, I do not look after myself and ‘fix myself up’ to look the way Id like to look and most of the time I don’t even act the way I really should. To be honest I have felt like there was no point; I have felt like there was no point in changing my appearance to something I would be more comfortable with, no point in attempting to go back to studying, no point to start bettering myself and living a better life. I honestly thought I have had my time, that I was too old to start changing things about myself and that I should have started doing that back in my twenties so I might as well carry on not doing much apart from being a mum and..well that’s about it. I don’t know where this thought came from but its been festering for a long while now and although I know deep down now that this is completely wrong way to think, because of certain situations recently, that feeling has been getting worse and I have been worrying a lot about the future and what it holds and worrying that time had run out for me. Since giving up drinking (albeit only 12 days ago) my outlook is much more positive and I am starting to realise there is loads to look forward too and plenty of time to change whatever I want about myself.
So there it is…I have spent far too long hiding behind the haze that is a bottle of wine, convincing myself that it was normal not to feel like I was worth improving and that I was happy plodding along not wanting anything more for myself. Hopefully this year will see some massive improvements in my confidence to be the person I am and to not hold back when I want to do something for myself.
I have started this by making a list of rewards/treats/things I want to do at each of the milestones of this journey and hopefully when I make my final goal of the 65daysofsober the improvements and changes should be obvious to everyone.
I can honestly hand on heart say I have not had a craving for wine since I started this, I think the blog and being open about what I am doing is helping a great deal. The positives are already showing, my skin is so much better, I have the energy and time to exercise everyday and I have been cooking from scratch again every day, I have socialised and enjoyed myself and I have been sleeping amazingly….cant be bad, can it!