#Day 57 – Life has ups and downs – Smile and learn from it

I have not written for a few days this week as there have been a few things going on and I wasn’t sure how to write about it or whether I should in fact write about it at all, or whether I even want too in fact..In all fairness I thought I would just write a post and see what happens.

The start of this week had a great ‘up’.  A little while after starting my blog I was emailed by an old friend, someone I spent a lot of my childhood with and with whom I have great memories of (those memories I do have that is, I have completely shocking long-term memory!).  We have not seen each other for years, as after school life has unfortunately taken us in completely different directions and places.  We exchanged numbers as we chatted online and said we would catch up soon.  I was therefore very pleased when I received a text to tell me that they were in Bristol and had a spare hour or so where we could get together.  So on Tuesday we went to her mum and dads and I met her children and caught up on the years and years we have missed (well OK the highlights!).  It was super to see her mum and dad again and they reminded me how when I was younger her dad used to call me Albert (its memories like those I struggle with and I wish I did not need to be reminded of to remember – the majority of my childhood is wiped out I think).  It was fantastic to see them and the children all got on lovely playing.  We talked about a new exciting adventure they are having as a family, packing up and going to live on a remote island in only a few weeks time for a couple of years.  It is going to be so different for them, so interesting and so exciting and I am proud of her for making the decision to take the risk and see what happens, to give her family this massive massive opportunity to learn and experience life other than what we see in our tiny part of the world. So if you are reading (which I know you sometimes do – GOOD LUCK!!! and Skype!!) She is an inspiration that if you work hard, go for what you want and be prepared to take risks your life can be completely different to ‘the norm’!.

Next came the Doctors visit, I have been planning to visit the doctors for a little while due to some issues with PCOS I have been having but I also wanted to talk about some of the other things I have been feeling since giving up drinking.   Luckily for me the doctor I saw was a doctor I was under for a month or so last year when I was poorly and anxious and very emotional (around the time Dad was diagnosed).  We discussed my PCOS and I explained I had given up drinking for 51 days, he was of course intrigued to know why I knew the exact number of days.  So I explained this whole thing.  He asked me how much I would drink, and unlike the time I went to the doctors before to discuss my drinking (couple years back) I was honest, I told him everything, how much I would drink on a bad week, a good week, how often I tried to cut down and how long drink has been a major factor in my life.  He confirmed what I already know (and have known for a long time) that although I am not getting up in the morning and having a drink and am not drinking at a level of an alcoholic the level of my drinking and the units I will consume during a week is way too high and dangerous for my body.  (you only need to use a drink calculator to see this, and I have done this on many occasions then just not read the consequences which could happen at those levels – its worth a look and the consequences and risks to the body are worth are read too now I have finally read them – Long term memory being affected for one).

He explained that although my body is not dependent on alcohol to function (I don’t get withdrawal symptoms, I am not shaking every morning needing to find a drink to stop them) my body is now having to get used to not having alcohol in it at all, it is now not a constant being added to my system and that is why I may be feeling a bit off and experiencing symptoms of being edgy and bit sick some days.  He said I have basically self medicated by cutting out alcohol completely after drinking most weeks since I was 16 (give or take a year or so).  He has arranged for full blood tests to check everything out and ensure everything is working and there is not any other reason for me feeling ill.  It was good to finally be honest about the amount of wine I could consume instead of playing it down.  Like the Doctor said you cannot do anything about any harm already done but stopping now is the best step in the right direction.

Anyway…I think I am rambling on so not to have to write the next part of the week.  On Wednesday my uncle, who I have mentioned in this blog before, tried to commit suicide…his attempt almost worked but he was found by a carer and taken to hospital where a ventilator was used for a time and then he started to breath on his own.  There is a lot to this story, a lot I can’t share as it is family and personal.  But I can say my uncle used to be an alcoholic and doesn’t have any family apart from his immediate family such as my grandparents and his siblings (my Dad being one).  I feel very very sad that someone could be at that point that they could sit on their own and attempt this but I can also see why he did it, why this decision was his way out.  (He has terminal cancer and is suffering a great deal).  He does not want help and he has from what I know now discharged himself from hospital yesterday.  I feel for my Grandparents, my Grandad who also is also very poorly and is terminal himself, in having to deal with this at this stage of their lives.  I do not know what is going to happen, we just have to wait and see I suppose.  But one thing I do know is that I will be attending at least one funeral very very soon.

To bring this back (sorry) to be relevant to my blog, this sort of situation normally sends me to the pub or shop.  I normally deal with the bleakness and sadness of a situation by drinking, lowering the feelings of helplessness and sadness and helping to forget what is/has happened.  This has not been the case, this week, I have not run to get a bottle of wine (I wanted to a few times) I just tried to stop myself over thinking everything, to realise that each day I have something to enjoy and get on with and just because there is something desperately sad going on we can’t sit around dwelling on it.

I was talking to my mum about my uncle and dad the other day and I realised what a great amount of crap stuff she has had to deal with over the last year, since Dad was diagnosed (and many years previous with other things).  They don’t tell us a lot she keeps it in so they do not worry or upset us which is frustrating but I understand.  During the conversation she explained that my Dad had been for some more scans just this week  I am not going to go into my Dad and results and these things that is our private business but it got me thinking about  how every day my Mum gets up and gets on with it and supports my dad and me and my brother in all our problems (and I can assure you we have had many over the years) and she doesn’t moan at us or tell us to stop being a pain.  My mum out of everyone should have the drink issues but she doesn’t, she is an inspiration and if I can stop drinking wine if only to make her stop worrying that I could be following in the family way, that would be worth it more than any other reason I have given myself.

Another ‘up of the week before I sign off.  Lilbit is very interested in who is who in the family and last Sunday we dropped off my Nan (her Nanna) at I explained that my Grandad was my mum’s Dad and Lilbit asked me if he had died which I said he had.  She asked me if he had been a nice person and I said he had indeed.  She asked if I had a picture of him and I said I did and would show her at home.  At bedtime I showed Lilbit a picture of my Grandad holding me as a baby, she told me he looked kind (he was probably the kindest man I have ever known).  She then said Mum did you go to his interview, I was like what, what do you mean, she said, you know mum his interview, his interview for heaven!  I said do you mean a funeral and she said I think so, you go to a place and give flowers and there is an interview for heaven!  I love listening to her ideas of what happens in life, they are so much better than what the reality is sometimes.

I saw a picture the other day which I thought was quite poignant it said

“It is said you only live once – you don’t, you only die once, you live everyday!”

I like this. Its very true.

happy

Advertisements

Feel the fear and do it anyway

I was having a bad day yesterday, felt crap and was questioning all of my decisions, even 365daysofsober and convinced myself I was out of my depth with a new project I am starting to work on. But after a good night’s sleep and a couple of phone calls and a meeting this afternoon I realised I am just like everyone else at the start of something new, it’s scary but that’s no reason to start thinking it will be too hard just because it’s not in my comfort zone! It’s all very exciting really and I am learning loads so that can only be a good thing!  ……..☺☺☺👍👍👍
Happy Tuesday!!!!!!

image

Day 50! Didnt think I would get this far…if I am being honest…dont think anyone else did either

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

2014-08-03 21.33.34

 

Well here I am on day 50 of being sober and I am as surprised at this as I can imagine many people are (or would be if they were aware that this has been reached)

I have gone from drinking at least four/five bottles of wine a week plus alcohol filled nights /days on weekends and replaced these with other things such as sober days/nights out, alcohol free drinks and soft drinks, online and book research for ideas I have, spending lots of time with lilbit and my family and actually going to bed and sleeping properly!

I think I can safely say that the benefits of being ‘sober’ have been huge and although I know they totally out weigh all the great things about drinking, I still cant help but miss it.  As I have said in previous blogs I do struggle on certain days and at the times of day I would normally open the wine and this happens on the weekends especially.  Fridays are normally pretty hard, I look at all the social media sites or talk to people at work and most of them have drinking in their plans for that night or over the weekend..I feel like Friday comes and I don’t ‘reward’ myself for the week of working hard and I get pissed off with myself for not being able to drink to it being the weekend! Then on Saturday’s it does not seem to matter what a lovely day I have had, around 5ish I am waiting for my Saturday evening to start, waiting for something to change to take me into that Saturday night feeling.   Without alcohol my weekend nights (and more often than not my week nights) do seem a bit lost, like they are missing something important.  (My weekends on my countdown chart are all red and amber – It isn’t easy to give up something you have relied on to get you through a week without having some hard days though, so there we go).

But saying all of that there is one big thing which has changed for me, which I have found a complete relief and would never want to go back to and that is what I will call the ‘morning fear’ – its the morning  after when I wake up and have no clue how much wine I drank, what time I went to bed and how many episodes of Sons of Anarchy I am going to have to re-watch!

When I have a drink at home I would sometimes get to the point where I have fallen asleep on the sofa or if not just before I fall asleep I miraculously go to bed myself, whether or not I would remember which one of these happened the next morning is generally hit or miss.  But one thing I would definitely not remember would be how much wine I had actually drank.  If I only had one bottle in the house then I would know that it would all be gone, no question there! If however there had been 2 or 3 bottles then I can never be sure until I came down to see the damage done.  I would lie in bed in the morning (sometimes early hours after waking up with dry mouth) and wonder how much I actually got through, did I remember opening the 2nd bottle or dare I say it the 3rd…  The thing is if I found 2 empty bottles I would tell myself it was not actually two bottles I had drank, Id tell myself that I had poured a really large glass before I went to bed which I poured down the sink or I would convince myself that the first bottle was only a third full when I started it not completely full……there are plenty of ways to make it seem that you did not quite drink what the empty bottles are telling you.

Not having this morning fear has been the best change for me so far..not coming down to find red wine stains on the carpet or table, not panicking about how much I had to drink the night before and the consequences of that binge.   I just wake up and feel OK, I do not have last nights make up still on or greasy hangover hair and I do not have to come down stairs and throw empty wine bottles into an overflowing recycling box and pour remaining wine down the sink telling myself that was the last time I drink that much, that I will never ever do that again!  I do not have my four year old asking me if I feel bad because I drank too much wine… I literally just get up and get on with my day..and that one thing has quite honesty changed my life.

This morning! No morning fear

This morning! No morning fear

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bits and Bobs from the weekend, City Performer and lilbit watching, Fake champagne and cheesecake!  New scarves present to myself for day 50!

Bits and Bobs from the weekend, City Performer and lilbit watching, Fake champagne and cheesecake! New scarves present to myself for day 50!

 

 

 

 

Day 45…..When you dont drink, what do you hold??

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

I have heard it a million times and sometimes I have said it myself, that when you stop smoking you miss the action of smoking, of bringing the cigarette to your mouth and having it in your hand…you start not knowing what to do with your hands when you do not have a cigarette to light up.  I have never been a heavy smoker, but have smoked on and off for years and I am almost always a smoker when I have had a drink socially (and to be fair if there was a packet in the house when I had been drinking I would smoke those too)  Thing is I hate smoking, its horrible it stinks and tastes disgusting and I always have worse hangovers when I have smoked on a drinking night (I used to call them nicotine hangovers and whatever anyone think these do exist!)  Anyway, as per normal I am getting a little away from the point..

The thing is (and I only really noticed this after my festival weekend), that I also do not know what to do when I don’t have a drink in my hand when I am out.  My hand is missing something just like when giving up smoking.  I think the reason I didn’t notice this at the last social gathering I attended was because I took a bottle of non alcoholic wine and drank it out of a wine glass so apart from it tasting different and not getting drunk I didn’t notice that I was doing anything different to normal or to anyone else for that matter.  I did notice however that I drank it like it was wine, I poured myself a large glass, I walked around with it when talking to people, I had photos with me holding the glass up and as soon as my glass was empty I poured another just as I would as soon as my wine glass is empty (in all fairness I don’t normally let my wine glass get empty its one of the reasons I never realise how much I have drank)..so as you can see physically it seemed like I had a ‘drink’ the whole time!

The festival day was completely different, there was no BYO alcoholic or non-alcoholic drinks, I wouldn’t have been allowed to bring a glass bottle into the area, bags were checked and everything had to be brought on site.  The options were bottled cider, beer or small wine at £3 or bottle of water or can of coke at £1.50.  This was fine, I wasn’t expecting anything else, it was a small festival in Barry, I was not expecting lots of choice.  I went for water and drank a bottle in about ten minutes as it was baking hot and pretty much as soon as that was finished I found myself finishing out change to go and buy us more drinks (yes of water).  This time I changed things up a bit and put it in a plastic glass…I felt a bit better after that, like I was one of the crowd.  As I looked around (people watching) I noticed I wasn’t the only one not drinking, but we were definitely in the minority and I was overcome with jealously of everyone else sat around with their drinks in their hands.    I mentioned this to one of the people I was with, I explained that that was the part I loved, the start of the day/evening, just chilling out having a ‘few drinks’,  having a laugh and enjoying a bit of banter,  but that it was the next stage that worried me when I drank; when it became not just chilling out having a drink with friends but something else,  when the balance tips over and I become too drunk when I as people have put it (mother included) just ‘suddenly go’; my eyes go, I start to slur and usually – more often than not – I do something silly or fall asleep! of course even if I don’t fall asleep or do something idiotic, I cant normally remember the good time I had anyway because I have ‘black outs’ of the night before the next day.

H2O!  In a plastic glass..exciting stuff

Going back to the water….again I’m sorry I digressed.  After I finished my second water I felt a bit lost, I had no bottle, no glass, no nothing.  I was just sat there.  I honestly felt very strange, like I was missing something, like I should have been doing something. My hand was missing a glass or bottle! and I hate to admit it but I smoked, I smoked so I felt like I was doing something.  (and I must admit this is something I also did at the wedding a couple of times when I didn’t have my glass of pretend wine to hand the other week).  As I have already said I hate smoking….so WHY did I do this?  Why did I feel the need to replace drink with something else?

I honestly am intrigued as to why I always feel the complete and utter need to  “do something” when I am out; why I don’t feel part of the gathering or event if I do not have a drink or a cigarette?   I was sat there in the sun with good company and a band playing but all the same I felt lost without a drink in my hand and the stupid thing about it was that I wasn’t even remotely thirsty as I had just drank about 1 litre of water!.  I looked around and everyone had a drink in their hand, even the non drinkers with water or cans of coke and it made me ask, why do we feel the need to have drinks with us at all times on social occasions? why when one drink is finished are we straight back up to the bar? And why do I find it so hard not to just relax and enjoy myself with nothing in my hand?

Who knows!!! maybe I will find some of the answers about these sorts of habits in the book I am reading at the moment. (Alan Carrs how to control alcohol) but then again maybe I wont.  But I am hoping that during this year I will learn how to just enjoy a nice day or night out without feeling the need to hold a wine glass (albeit fake wine) or run to the bar every time my lime and soda is finished and without nabbing anymore crafty fags!

Does he really have all the answers...we shall see...

Does he really have all the answers…we shall see…

And for anyone thinking why didn’t you just have a drink and only have one or two (and don’t worry it crosses my mind a lot on these occasions).  I know I could go and have a drink at anytime, I know that I have not been told to stop drinking by doctors and I know that I didn’t drink as much as an actual classified alcoholic but if I did that I would just be letting myself down.  You see even though I have stayed away from any alcohol for 45 days now, I do not trust myself to only have one or even just two or three.  I have tried that on so many occasion and it has always left me drunk and asleep on my sofa; not knowing how I got home after a night out; waking up on a friends sofa not remembering going there; leaving my phone at a pub and not even knowing we went into that pub; it has left me pouring wine from friends bottles without asking (because I didn’t bring enough with me in a bid to drink less while out or away for a weekend) and it has left me starting another vicious circle of drinking three or four (or more lets face it) evenings on the trot each week.  I am doing this for me and no one else and anything I write about is just about me and my habits.  I want to change my life, i am changing my life, and in all honesty the last 45 days have been amazing, my head has never been so clear and I cant imagine going back to how it was before.

It took me a long time to accept that I knew my drinking habits and behaviors were not really normal.  I had to do it when I was ready to acknowledge that it was making me unhappy.

It took me a long time to accept that I knew my drinking habits and behaviors were not really normal. I had to do it when I was ready to acknowledge that it was making me unhappy.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 42 Sat on a train on my own…

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

So I’m off to a festival in Wales today, just a mini one but I’m going childless, a day of being Sam and not mummy. This in itself is normally a great reason for a glass of wine! So I’m on the train, I’m alone and there is a bar and normally I would be all over it, I would have been reading a book with a couple of mini bottles of wine before getting to my destination and of course in ‘preparation’ for the drinking during the afternoon. But no not today! Today I am reading a book (Allen Carrs easy way to control alcohol, as part of my research into drinking and my habits) but I am drinking sparkly water (which I opened on the platform and sprayed everyone near me with) but being perfectly honest with you, it doesn’t feel right; don’t get me wrong it feels good and I know it’s probably normal not to have a drink just because I’m on a train and childfree, but still there is still that thought popping into my head that something isn’t right if I do not have a drink, if i do not use this opportunity to relax with a wine and that today will be not as fun without me feeling, well let’s face it…pissed. But I’m glad the other side (or voice as it were) is stronger now, reminding me how drunk I might end up, how much of the day/night I might not remember and how rubbish my day could be tomorrow!! I am looking forward to the days events as it is another first for me, a sober child-free mini festival!

image

Day 40 – So what have I found out in the last forty days…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

40Well I am very very pleased I have reached a milestone for me, 40 days completely and utterly alcohol free!  Realising that this was the 40th day this morning really got my butt into gear with the whole eating of unhealthy food issue and the fact I haven’t stuck to the training.  As I have said before I know I needed to give myself the time to be ready to do the next step and today I felt like it was the right day!  This morning started with an attempt to juice.  We are new to this as we have just been given a juicer by a family friend.  I had no recipes so I just juiced the shit out of everything we had that was vegetable or fruit.  It worked…Well it was green and didn’t taste all that bad, it couldn’t have as lilbit managed a whole glass of it too!  After the juicing (which is I have to say quite a messy process!) I headed for my personal training session (again with lilbit but she joins in so its all good!).  And that was it, before half nine I had already ate better and exercised and I was feeling great!

Got home and realised that my MOT was due,so the plans I had for me and lilbit were scuppered, I rang and spoke very nicely to the local garage who agreed to take it in today! Result!  This meant we couldn’t go off as far as  had planned, but we managed to hang out in the local park in what I can only describe as a completely glorious sunny day, we even attempted to fly a kite, but we were missing one massive factor….wind. There was no wind, there was just me and lilbit and a kite running up and down a small hill. But we had fun so who cares! We even did rolling down the hill which was hilarious and to be honest quite painful!  Lilbit reached her own milestone today, completing the climbing wall all by herself (and me letting her try this was probably one for me too!).

After the park we gad lunch at a local pub near the garage where the car was being tested.  I asked what alcohol alternatives they had (as I do nowadays where ever I go) and they had Becks Blue.  Thought I would try it as I was having such a nice day.  In all fairness this drink, to me, tasted like beer and I felt like I was drinking beer, which was fine but to be honest I don’t really drink beer so I do not think ill be buying it again anytime soon, but fair play to Becks, if you want something to taste like beer but not get you drunk, that would work.

Anyway, as always I am digressing.  The main reason for this post was to share with you what I have found while being sober for the last 40 days, what positives I have gained so far:

  •  No hangovers.  I have so much love for my mornings both in the week and weekends that I cannot explain!  I am able to plan anything on any day in the future without thinking about whether I would have had too much to drink the night before.  It is very freeing.  I never feel too sick, too groggy or too tired to do things I had planned.  There have been many things I couldn’t have faced in the past due to a night out before or that I have gone to and wished during every second that I was at home led down.
  • Mondays are not sad anymore – Due to when I would drink, Mondays would always be the day where I would feel hanging, tired, depressed and praying for the day to end so I could go to bed because I would always feel bit better on Tuesdays, bit happier and clear headed.  Now my Mondays are great and the start of a new week and new plans.  I would hate to go back to hangover depression Mondays.  Scrap that I WILL NEVER go back to hangover depression Mondays.
  • Money – I know it is an obvious one but I am not spending money on drink so I am able to get the things I want.  On Saturday apart from my train fare I spent no money at all as I didn’t need to go to the bar, I drank water once the nonalcoholic wine was finished!  I have a little list of “rewards” at every milestone I reach (20, 30, 40 and so on) and I get my self a little treat when I hit them.  This milestone I am getting the train to a little festival on Saturday!  Some of the larger milestones like 100 and 200 I have bigger things planned!  Its exciting to look forward to them.
  • Clear Headed – I cant explain it but my mind is so much clearer and I am much more focused at work at home and with ideas I have had for new avenues I can follow.  This change is very exciting, I feel more like myself and using my brain more instead of feeding it wine all night and staring at the TV.
  • Not in so much of a rush – I have  noticed that I am enjoying my days more, not rushing to get things done so I can finally sit down to ‘my time’.  This is a massive one for me, I am learning to relax more and enjoy what I am doing at the moment.  I am also starting to let lilbit have more freedom like at the park today not being at her side the whole time, letting her play and having ten minutes sat down just watching (this is my ‘me’ time maybe).
  • Skin – My skin is clearer and feels softer.  I am drinking more water as that is what I have on a night now, plus I am keeping up a skin care regime which I never normally do.  The nights I didn’t drink I would try but most nights I just wouldn’t bother.  I find it easier not to wear make up in the day time now as I have less to try and cover up!
  • Mood – Most of the time this is better, I am not as I said depressed and sad due to hangovers.  However, it is not all sunshine and flowers, I am moody especially early evening but I am hoping this is due to my change in routine, the fact I am not all relaxed from a couple of glasses of Shiraz.  I hope it is and I am sure my boyfriend does too!
  • New people – I am researching lots of information and finding lots more blogs of people with similar circumstances to me.  I am being contacted by old friends and complete strangers and making new contacts and relationships with people and organisations.    Exciting times ahead hopefully!

Anyway I think that is enough positives for 40 days!  Roll on the next 40!

Forgive the knees but just to prove the five minutes relaxing and how stunning the day was today!

Forgive the knees but just to prove the five minutes relaxing and how stunning the day was today!

Juicing everything in the kitchen!

Juicing everything in the kitchen!

 

Climbing the wall all by herself!  She is only four and its taller than it looks!  AWWW

Climbing the wall all by herself! She is only four and its taller than it looks! AWWW

 

Image

Day 38 – A sober wedding and too much food…

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

If you have read my previous blogs you will know I was a little apprehensive about the weekend just gone as I was attending a wedding on Saturday.  I am not going to say that the day was fine and I did not have any issues with not being able to drink but it did go much better than I thought it would.  When I say this I mean me and the not drinking not the actual wedding.  The wedding was completely lovely and the both the magnificent church and perfect reception venue made for a great day. From what I could tell I was the only one not drinking but that wasn’t a problem for me I did not resent my friends and other guests for having a drink.  I found it hard at points, like when sitting at the table for food and having free wine on the table or when arriving to be offered a glass of bubbly as I walked in.  All of these I turned down and no one said anything negative and people were supportive and did not have anything to say, even when I pulled out my non alcoholic wine for the table as I felt I needed to have ‘that something’ to get me through the group drinking parts.  It worked, I didn’t feel left out and I enjoyed all the laughter and banter at the table and during the rest of the reception.  I even remember all of the speeches and this is normally the point where the next day I know I laughed but cant remember anything that was actually said!  I stayed out until nine pm and then I had enough and needed to go home, but before that I even managed a couple of non drunken dances (I wouldn’t normally have done this as I thought for years that I only like to dance drunk – but it would seem that is not, so I will try it again at the next party to see if I can stay on the dance floor a little longer that time).

However, there was one thing I noticed on Saturday and this is something I have noticed quite a bit on other occasions I have not been drinking and during the last 38 days! I EAT so much, its like not having a glass of wine gives me the green light to totally pig out.    At the wedding I had more food on my plate than I would ever have had if I had been drinking, I even ate peoples leftovers plus demolished two bacon and sausage rolls when they came out at about 8pm!  And don’t get me started on the chocolate favors I ate from our table but its fair to say lilbit didn’t  get to have any when I got home…

I honestly believe that at the moment food, especially crisps and anything chocolate is replacing my bottle of wine on an evening.   So when my friend asked me today if I had lost weight since I started this I had to say no.  In all honesty I think I may have put on some weight which was not what I was expecting or really wanted to do.  But I am not worried, I mentioned in a previous blog that I have realised that reaching my goals takes small steps and this is just the same.

I am pleased I am actually aware that I am eating more as it means once I feel I completely have the handle of managing my cravings for wine I can start to reduce the amount of food I am eating to replace those cravings.   I have also restarted my PT sessions which should help keep the little bit of extra food from sticking to my tummy!   I know that I cannot expect to give up drink, eat completely healthy and regularly exercise every day within the first couple of months and am giving myself time to deal with each change instead of overwhelming myself with doing everything at once and placing too much pressure on myself which could end in disaster lets face it!  I am hoping that by the end of the year there will be an improvement in my health, fitness and mindset so I will not return back to bad habits that I have taken so many years to develop!

The greatest thing about this weekend (after the actual wedding), was waking up very early on Sunday morning, being able to take a mini road trip down to the coast with my partner, spending time at one of my favorite beaches and visiting some family friends.  I am utterly in love with no hangover Sundays and even more with no hangover depression Mondays!

8.45pm on a Saturday night at a wedding and I am not falling over or asleep!

8.45pm on a Saturday night at a wedding and I am not falling over or asleep!

Messing about at 11am after a two hour drive ad a visit to friends! Loving no hangovers!

Messing about at 11am after a two hour drive ad a visit to friends! Loving no hangovers!

A long walk down ALOT of steps!

A long walk down A LOT of steps!

Me, Lilbit (and baby of course) yesterday  morning  before her last day at preschool!

Me, Lilbit (and baby of course) yesterday morning before her last day at preschool!

 

 

 

 

 

Day 35 Banana bread anyone?..

After last night’s post I wanted to share something a bit more upbeat with you all!

Since being ‘sober’ I try to do something productive with my mornings so thought I’d bake us some banana bread at 7.30am. .I didn’t have SR flour so changed the recipe up with wholemeal,
you know to make it healthier! I made sure the oven was the right temp and the tin lined and that I put it in the right shelf of the oven and all the other stuff I usually fail to do properly.
It came out of oven looking like actual banana bread, slipped out the tin easily and only collapsed slightly! At this point I am completely excited I have baked successfully for once!……until that is i taste it and realise I have used 150g of f% $@@&ng SALT instead of caster sugar!……….

I may be sober but a domestic kitchen goddess is not my destiny! :?🎂🍰🍌

image

A good night sleep was all that was needed to get rid of yesterdays negativity and I cant wait to go to the wedding today! Off to get ready and feeling great about the day ahead!

Enjoy your weekend! Xx

Day 34 – Lets face it no one can be positive every day…..

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Last night and even this morning I was full of it, I was excited because I had been organised and sorted out lilbits school uniform (my girl is growing up way too fast) and very happy because I had reached over 1000 views on my blog! So this morning I posted a couple of pictures and bit of text on my 365daysofsober Facebook and Instagram and had planned a post for this evening; to explain a little more about me and lilbit and how I felt my drinking would affect her as she grew up and how I think she viewed my drinking habits at the tender age of 4! (and a half I hear her yelling in my head! – she is very specific about this fact, ask the optician she corrected this afternoon)

But…….

and I have to be honest, I am not having a very positive day after all, it was fine until this afternoon and then came the sweltering heat and a 2 hour optician appointment followed by an hour around Tescos (please don’t ask me why but spending too much time in supermarkets is a massive trigger for me, I normally always leave with a bottle or two of wine).  On top of that I then started to worry about a wedding I am going to tomorrow, started worrying about whether I will want to drink and more to the point will I actually drink? I came home and all I wanted to do was sit down, crack open some wine and relax and not have to think about any of it anymore………

I didn’t. I am glad I didn’t.

We decided on take away pizza  for dinner and to try the root beer I found on a previous shopping trip.  It is actually quite nice, probably by far the sweetest thing I have ever drank in my life and it smells and tastes like dentists, but strangely I find this appealing. This has somewhat cheered me up and I am thinking clearer again. Once the craving or thought of having a drink hits it takes a while for me to get that out of my head but its gone now thankfully.

Not giving in and having a drink tonight was very hard but I know I will feel better in the morning and that in itself with make tomorrow easier. I am starting to relax about it and now I have finally stopped fretting and calmed down and I have realised that no one is going to care if I do not drink and I can just enjoy the day with everyone else, ill just be sober.

I am still not in the right frame of mind to write my other post but tomorrow is another day and it can wait… Today was just a bad day!

These are allowed.  Tomorrow is another day!

These are allowed. Tomorrow is another day!

The sweetest thing in the world EVER

The sweetest thing in the world EVER

Day 32 – Birthdays and Celebrations…..without drinking…oh come on now.. really??

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I don’t know about you but since I was I say 16.. (give or take a few years) whenever there has been a birthday or a wedding or a celebration of any kind the day is just is not the same without having alcohol involved..without having it planned into the day or night.  For example; Birthdays have always been to me a reason to go out, have a drink and normally get the birthday boy or girl (excuse the language} completely and utter shit faced.

Wetting of babies head – the same.  Hen do – the same.  Night or day out without kids in tow – the same.    To me it has always been the drink that has made the celebration. I could not imagine having a day or night out with my friends and not factoring in the drinking part.

Even Christmases, I can only remember one of my adult Christmas days where I didn’t have quite a bit too drink (OK to much to drink) and that was when my lilbit was born, she was only four weeks old and I was poorly and she was poorly and I was still trying to breastfeed so I had a couple drinks and slept most of the time.  But of course I made up for that on the new years eve that year, it was my first night out since out since baby was born and I promptly drank around two bottles of wine and fell asleep before new years even came along and then I believe I woke up and made no sense to anyone for the rest of the evening.

The reason I bring this up is because over last weekend it was my partners birthday and we had a whole day out to ourselves (childless!!!) on Sunday.  It was alien to me that we could go out and enjoy the day without drinking, without him getting drunk to celebrate turning a year older and me helping him with this.  We went to the cinema and attended a food festival.  I have to admit I struggled, a lot! The sun was shining,  people were everywhere looking glam and to me everyone looked like they were ready to go have a drink (Sure that was all in my head but that is how it felt).  As we walked closer to the waterfront area, more bars came into view, more people sat around enjoying pints and bottles of wine and cocktails looking like they were having the time of their lives.  I could barely look at them.  I get this thought you see..”Well if they can, why cant i?”.  I made a few quibbles to my other half about this but I made it through to the food festival without having a major tantrum.

The first stop for us was a marquee set up as a little bar where we could sample crisps.  I asked what drinks they served to which the lovely lady passing out the crisps advised me ‘its all free you can just sit down and a someone will bring you a free glass of wine and some crisps”.  Oh I see, “do you serve anything else I asked”?  “Well you can have water but really its about the experience of relaxing with a glass of wine and enjoying our gourmet crisps” she replied.  We sat down, were again offered wine which was turned down and enjoyed the crisps until one more gentleman came over and asked us if we wanted a glass of wine and take part in a demo about the crisps and that was about enough for me.. Pretty sure I said something along the lines of “love if someone offers me a glass of wine again I am going to proper lose it”‘ (I am a Bristolian so proper is normal English to me)..so we made our move away from that stand pretty quickly to see what else we could find.

There was  A LOT of free alcohol being offered and not much in the way of an alternative to us ‘non drinkers’ but I did find a juice bar where I could buy a drink which tasted a little like Pimms and looked quite a little like Pimms and that reduced my craving to be “like everyone else” around me drinking their cider and beer and wine and cocktails..

The birthday day went well without the drink, it was hard but I got through it and the bonuses are that I remember the whole day and I got up on Monday morning without any hangover depression ready for the week ahead.

I do have another celebration coming up…. a wedding next week and part of me is worried how I will cope with all of the familiar faces around me, all of whom I have regularly drank with and to be honest with whom I associate drinking and getting drunk.  Don’t get me wrong I have been around my friends and not drank before but it is hard when everyone else around you is drinking and you are not.  This is something I will just have to deal with on each occasion.  I suppose another reason I am more worried about the wedding is because I have hit the month target and I don’t want to start thinking that this is enough, that one month has sorted me out, because I know, for a fact that it has not.

Going back to the lack of alternative drinks to try at the food festival, I am still sampling non alcoholic drinks at home and have come across some 0% wines recently online.   The reaction to me trying these goes both ways when I tell people, some think it is not a good idea but I see these drinks as a way to stop my craving for that “glass of wine”.  If I start to feel like I would need a glass of wine I pour myself one of the 0% ones. So far it works… (for me I might add) some of them taste just like wine but without the buzz and others have an altogether different taste but they are OK, I like them.  I try each one with an open mind remembering they are not wine, that they wont have the alcohol taste or give me the same alcohol induced feeling when I drink them.  I honestly thought that not having the alcohol would be a problem, but I find just having a glass or two of these makes me feel settled, gives me the feeling that I am having ‘grown up’ time without all the rubbish that comes with it like falling asleep on the sofa or having a heavy head in the morning.  For me, at the moment, its a win win.

I thought it through and planned the start of 365 days of sober, I couldn’t just rush in and decide one day I was not drinking it would not have worked for me, a lot of thought went into it and a date was set to start.  Having a clearer head daily is helping me see what I could get out of life and that the other ideas I have could actually become something if I work hard at it.   This gives me hope that I can change my life more than I was expecting in this year and if my ideas do not work out at least I am learning new things and giving things a go instead of putting it all off for someone else to try.

Being sober for just one month has given me a new found confidence in myself and helped me see that you cant expect everything to be different overnight, you have to take small steps and work hard to get the change you are looking for and to reach the goals you have set yourself.

Nothing happens overnight - be patient

Nothing happens overnight – be patient

Things do not have to stay that way just because that is always the way it has been.. you can change it up

Things do not have to stay that way just because that is always the way it has been.. you can change it up

YES! DO THAT!!!

YES! DO THAT!!!